Nights in White Satin
by Lilith-Lucy
Summary: Back in the Zoo Saya and Hagi spend a night together and have trouble dealing with it afterwards. Rated M for lemon.
1. Candlelight and Wine

1883

„I thought you excused yourself from the party because you weren't feeling well. You should better go to bed now", Hagi objected as Saya tried to pull him to her room.

"Yes I wasn't feeling well amongst _those people_ ", she replied with a tone of disgust, "but with only you around me, I am totally fine, and I am just not tired yet." She waved the bottle of wine that she had sneaked out of the dining room in front of his nose. "So how about emptying this with me?"

He sighted. "Joel will not be amused, when he finds out that you lied about feeling sick."

Saya laughed. "I have never been sick in my life so he has probably seen through it anyway. But with the guests around, there was nothing he could do."

As soon as she had entered the room, she let herself fall into one of the armchairs at a small table near the window. Once Hagi had taken the other seat she started complaining about the night and swearing about the guests Joel had made her deal with. Some business partners of his had come over together with their families. Saya had been expected to have a conversation with their daughters but it went quite unpleasant for her. Those girls had heard rumours about a witch living at the zoo, who was drinking children's blood to gain eternal youth. Of course they had not believed any of those stories, and yet they treated her with a certain distance. Moreover they had been teasing her: about being adopted, about not knowing who her real parents where – maybe some sort of worthless vagabonds – and about her strange illness and special medical treatment. Joel must have understood that she could not stand this society any longer, of that she was sure.

For the lack of glasses Saya took a pull on the wine bottle and passed it over to her companion.

"You don't think I am weird, do you?" she asked looking away. She had asked such questions before but she felt like she had to reassure it.

"Of course not!" in an instance he was on his feet and by her side, pressing her head against his chest. "Saya, I don't care that you are…a bit different...You have given me a home, you took care of me and you taught me a lot. It doesn't matter that your body might work in an unusual way, but that is not what defines you as a person."

She smiled gratefully. _Why had she ever let those girls upset her? Their opinion did not matter, as long as she had him._

As the night preceded the voices laughter and music they could here from the dining room became louder. They had lit a candle, when the light from the window had faded and played some games of cards. The bottle was almost emptied and Saya's cheeks and nose had taken on a slightly reddish tone. Hagi was glad to see that her mood had lighted.

"Can we dance?" she asked, when she recognised the song currently played in the dining room as one of her favourites. He nodded, rose from his chair and held out his hand for her. She placed one palm in his, the other at his shoulder. The room, though it could by now means be called small, was not suited for dancing, since it was full of furniture. Therefore the steps they took where only small.

At some point she stood still and held him tight, so he would stop as well. She laid her arms around his neck and huddled her head against his chest. They stood like that for a while until she whispered: "I am so glad you are with me. Please don't ever leave my side."

"I don't have the intention to ever to that", he replied not quite sure if he could stick by his words.

Never had she felt as snug as at this moment in his arms. His warmth, his heartbeat close to her ear, his tempting scent… She slowly tilted her head and moved forward for a kiss. He hesitated but could not bring himself to resist. He laid his arms around her and pulled her closer when he felt her soft lips against his. For a moment everything else seemed to be forgotten. But as soon as it was over he stepped back pushing her away.

"Saya, you're drunk!" he said avoiding her glances.

"So what?"

"We shouldn't…"

"I'm sick of what I should or shouldn't do. I'm sick about how I should act ladylike, how I should smile and be polite to those girls who make fun of me. I'm sick of everyone in this world but you." (Accept for Joel and Diva maybe, but they did not count at the moment.) She pulled him close again and looked up into his eyes.

"But please don't do anything you might regret in the morning", he pleaded. She nodded, but he was not certain, whether she had really understood what he had asked for. He placed his hand at her cheek and kissed her again, forgetting about every doubt, giving in to his feelings and the alcohol.

When she reached for the back of her gown to open it he instantly helped her with the struggle. Only when the dress had landed on the floor he realized what was going on and blushed. He had seen her in her undergarments before, but not in such a situation. She reached out to unbutton his shirt but he took her hands to stop her.

Noticing his hesitation, Saya carefully asked:" Will you sleep with me?...Only if you want", she added quickly to not make him feel obliged. He was stunned at how straight forward she was. It must have been the wine.

"We shouldn't..."

"I did not ask whether we should but whether you want to."

How badly he wanted it. How he loved her. How he desired to be with her unbound by any rules of society. However he felt that he would rather harm her, if he did as he wished.

Of course she did not want to force him and yet she caught herself feeling a bit hurt when he hesitated. _Wasn't that what all men wanted? Was she not good enough for him? Was she not pretty? Or did he after all secretly fear her?_

"Saya, we can't…" She cut him off with yet another kiss. He wrapped his arms around her unwilling to ever let go again. Her soft skin under his hands, her sweet scent and the touch of her lips finally broke his will to resist and he caught himself opening her corsage.

Within seconds their closes had all fallen to the ground. He gently picked her up, carried her to the bed and laid her on the sheets. He leaned over her and kissed her neck as his hand slid down her naked body. _I love you_ , he wanted to tell her but he dared not to. He was here only to please her and nothing else. Any kind of emotions would only make things complicated.

Due to a lack of experience he could only guess from her reactions, what she liked. At least "Don't you dare stop that!" was an unmistakable indication.

"You are so beautiful", he said, his eyes wandering lustful over her body. She answered with a giggle, still embarrass at being fully exposed to him – but not without enjoying every second of it.

Saya moaned when his hand went up the inner side of her leg. She quickly muffled the sound by placing her hand over her mouth. However when she realized that the noises from the dining room drowned her voice she decided that there was no need to be quiet.

One hand in his hair, the other on his back she gazed in his blue eyes when he let her. And when he turned his head away to kiss her neck and breasts she curiously peeked at the rest of him.

When a strong sensation of bliss she had never known before swept through her body, a moan of pleasure escape her mouth. She felt her body tense up as one hand grabbed the sheets, the other squeezed his free wrist.

"I want more", she pleaded still heavy breathing, "Please, I want you."

She met his gaze and could see that same burning desire in his eyes that had taken over her. When he opened his mouth to speak she kissed him again to take his chance of asking her, whether she was really sure about it.

Not wanting to hurt her, he hardly dared to enter her. But this was her demand and what he himself longed for so desperately. He was as gentle as he could, caressing her body with his fingers and placing kisses all over her breasts to comfort her. She barely felt the pain she had expected, either because of what she was or simply because she was too excited. She gasped when he slowly started to move. He turned his gaze from her and bit his lips, having a hard time with hold back. With hands clinging tightly to his body and her eyes closed she got lost in his embrace, his scent and that burning sensation that overwhelmed her.

While she had lost all track of time, to him it seemed like an eternity until her body finally tightened up and she let out a long moan. "Saya", he groaned not being able to hold back any more. Exhausted he fell into the mattress next to her. They laid there panting until he noticed that she was slightly shivering and pulled the blanked over them.

"I love you", he whispered as she cuddled into his arms. _Damn,_ he had not wanted to say that. _Had he gone too far? Had he ruined it?_ She did not answer but gently squeezed him, making herself comfortable in his hug. Before long she had fallen asleep in that position and he dared not move until he dozed off himself.


	2. The Morning After

Hagi awoke at the break of dawn, with his arms still around her. She was sleeping peacefully with a smile on her face, breathing calmly. The empty bottle of wine and the fact that they both were still naked were enough to remind him of what had happened. _Damn, what had he done to her! Taken advantage of her being drunk, stolen her innocence and honour._ He cursed the wine, the candlelight, Joel's guests, himself. He cursed everything but her for getting caught in this situation. Carefully, not to wake her up, he got out of bed and collected every piece of his closes from the floor. When he had dressed, he placed his ear at the door and listed for a while to make sure, that the maids where not up yet. _No one could ever know about this._ There already were enough bad rumours about Saya, even without him being caught sneaking out her bedroom door at this hour. _And what if Joel found out?_ _He would be sent back to the streets and never let near her again._ Just the thought of ever being apart from Saya made him feel desperate.

His heart raced as he tiptoed down the corridor praying not to encounter anyone. He relaxed a little, when he finally closed the door to his own room. He lay down on his bed but found no rest with the events of the last night on his mind. As time passed by another thought crept into his head: _What if she had a child? All the efforts of keeping this night a secret would be in vain. And what would become of her?_

Saya snuggled into her warm and cosy blankets clinging to her sweet dreams, but the morning sun, that was flooding the room, woke her. She pulled the blanket over her head unwilling to leave her bed. How comfortable the sheets where this morning, how soft they felt upon her skin. _Why had she never noticed this before?_ She startled up as she realized what was different today. She reached down her body to affirm her assumption: she was bare-naked. _Why wasn't she wearing her nightgown?_

She blushed to her own thoughts, as blurred fragments of memories popped into her head: the candlelight, the music, the feeling of Hagi's lips against hers, his touch, warmth and tenderness. She looked around the room. She found the bottle of wine and the card game on the table, her own clothes neatly arranged on one of the arm chairs. However there was no sign, or at least no proof, that anyone might have shared her bed last night. _It must have been a dream_ , she thought (or rather pleaded) and tried to haunt those thoughts out of her head. But she found her efforts to be in vain, as she remembered her own desire and those feelings began to take over her again. _Damnit! How could she face him now? How was she ever to look into his eyes after having those improper thoughts?_

Her worries where interrupted by knock at the door. She quickly put on her nightgown and muttered something like: "Come in!" not without regretting it a second later.

"Good morning, Saya! Joel asked me to bring you your medicine."

She stared at her hands, at the wall, out of the window, into the deep red fluid in the cup he handed her, anywhere just not at him.

"Thank…you", she murmured, gulped down the liquid and placed the cup back on the tray he was holding. She was thankful for him to leave without another word. She resolved to act more natural in the future or else someone might figure out that something was wrong.

He felt relive about being able to leave this awkward situation so soon. Still there was this mixture of uneasiness, anger and sadness. How obviously she had been avoiding his eye. _So after all she did regret that night. Should he have refused her?_ It was probably the best for now to pretend it had never happened.


	3. Lovers

About 2037

Saya tossed her shoes into the corner and sat down on her bed. The party, Mao had dragged them to, had been exhausting. It was late at night and she was glad to have some rest in her quiet room.

"Goodnight Saya", Hagi leaning in for a kiss. When he turned to go she stood up and caught his wrist saying: "Wait! I need help with this dress." She turned around so that he could open the sipper. He took the chance to place kisses along her neck and shoulder. Her hand found his, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Are you trying to seduce me?" Saya giggled.

"Does it work?"

She leaned her head to one side to make it easier for him to caress her neck. She felt a burning desire rise in her, a desire of touching him and of being touched by him - everywhere.

"Maybe.", she answered playfully, not yet wanting to admit how successful his methods were.

He slowly stroked the straps of her dress from her shoulders. She let it fall to the ground and stepped out of the fabric that now lay around her feet while turning towards him. Her fingers began to open the buttons of his shirt and proceeded with his pants while she placed her lips over his and their tongues met. They sat down on her bed removing their closes between heated kisses. Soon they were lying in each other's embrace, hands rubbing over bare skin, lips wandering over every reachable centimetre of their bodies. His fingers were about to slide between her legs when she suddenly stopped him.

"Have you done this before? I don't think I have….", she fell silent, when she noticed how dumb her words must sound.

"You don't _think_?" he raised a brow. _How could she not know?_ _And what about questioning him? Did she want to know about other women?_

"Err…you know…this amnesia…" she sat up and turned away from him, covering herself with the blanket. _Why the heck did she start this at all? It was not as if she could just ask him whether what she remembered of_ that night _had really happened. What if it had and he would be hurt, that she had forgotten. Or what if it had not, how embarrassing would the conversation be._

"I thought that you recovered all of your memories" he asked trying to not hide his uneasiness. _Had she really forgotten about that? It was not as if he could just tell her what had happened._

"Well...actually…" concluding that she could not really make the situation any worse Saya decided to be honest, "It could have been a dream. I am not sure about it."

"Then what do you remember?" he asked carefully.

"Joel having guests…not wanting to meet them…pretending to feel sick…wine…music…dancing…" oh how she wished to disappear into thin air right now. She did not know how to go on. _Say something,_ she pleaded, _please don't make me go on with this!_ She hid her now beet red face behind her hands "…waking up naked and not being sure of what had happened even than…"

"And I thought you were just really skilled in pretending nothing had happened." Hagi gently laid his arm around her shoulders.

She laughed out loud in relive.

"I love you", he said pulling her into a soft embrace.

"I love you too."


	4. Amnesia

Note: I was originally planning to make this story only three chapters long, because I feared it might stay unfinished (like my first fanfic), but Thescully encouraged me to go on, so here is some more.

From now on the chronological order will be a bit messed up, sorry for that. I don't know yet how much more I will write but for now: Saya remembers ' _chapter 1_ ' shortly before the final battle.

* * *

2007

Had it been Mao's interrogation or the wine she had served, that had stirred Saya's memories? She did not know, but anyhow she wished it had not happened. It had been Mao's idea to play _truth or dare_ to bide some time. Naturally with all her secrets Saya would always choose _dare_ but after a while Mao did not accept that anymore.

"This is not how the game works", she exclaimed after the fifth time, "You need to take _truth_ now, so tell me: did you ever have sex?"

Saya blushed and shook her head, hoping that it was enough as an answer. She had expected questions about her past, her mission or her plans for the future and was taken completely by surprise.

"You didn't?" Mao exclaimed, "So that would make you a virgin of more than 170 years, probably the oldest one in the world!"

"Maybe she isn't honest with us," Kai suggested, "Maybe it happened in a time when people wouldn't openly talk about such things."

The colour of Saya's face went darker.

"You don't need to be ashamed, Saya", Mao said and added with laughter: "except you are indeed such an old virgin." Kai couldn't help but laugh as well, even though he felt a bit (but only a tiny bit) bad about making fun of his sister.

"But then she'd at least hold the world record", Okamura added with a wide grin.

Saya did not listen to the conversation anymore. She was too obsessed with her own thoughts and the memories that where creeping back into her consciousness. _Had that really happened?_

She murmured something about going to the restroom and stormed out. She locked the bathroom door and sank to the ground, hoping neither Kai, nor Mao would follow her. Fortunately Hagi had decided to spend the night on the roof playing cello, instead of joining their ridiculous games. Saya only pleaded that with his chiropteran ears he had not heard anything of the conversation.

She splashed cold water into her face and tried to sort her mind. _Had that really happened?_ The memory was blurred and felt somewhat unreal.

She heard a knock on the door and Kai's worried voice asking: "Are you all right, Saya?"

"I'm fine", she lied.

"Did we say something to upset you? We were only joking around and…you know Mao's sense of humour…"

"Could you please not stand by the door while I'm in the bathroom?" she answered sharply.

"Sorry", he muttered and she heard his steps return to the living room.

 _It was best to pretend she had never remembered this,_ she quickly concluded, and resolved to occupy her mind with more important business. _I must fight a war_ , she thought. _I must kill Diva. I must eliminate all chiropterans._ However her memories bothered her more than she liked to admit. She longed to know the truth and at the same time feared it. If only the pictures she recalled were clearer. But those bits and pieces did not add up to a whole image: a soft embrace, loving kisses, a gentle tough…. _There was no way any of that could ever have happened._ Hagi was her friend and loyal chevalier and there should not be anything to complicate their relationship. He had always been her friend and that was all what had ever been between them. And yet deep down in the very last corner of hear heart she knew this was an old lie she had been telling herself for the sake of the war – and for the sake of not hurting him even more in the end. It was not as if she did not see the glances he threw her or did not hear the way he said her name. She had chosen to ignore it, to pretend she did not notice because it was easier that way. She could not afford to be distracted neither did she want to know how much in pain he really was.

She did not know how much time she had spent on the bathroom floor, when another knock interrupted her thoughts. She wiped a tear from her cheek and harshly asked: "What is it?"

"Saya, is something bothering you?" This time it was Hagi speaking. _Damnit_ , she thought. _Did he come on his own or was this Kai's doing?_

"I'm fine", she said once more.

"Please don't lie to me."

"Well then don't ask in the first place!"

"I'm just worried. If anything is wrong please tell me."

Oh no, she surely would not.

"Just leave me alone!" The sentence came out harsher than she had intended, but at least it fulfilled its purpose, since Hagi, though reluctantly, obeyed the order.

The next disturbance was Mao who complained that Saya was blocking the bathroom.

"What are you doing? You are taking your time."

"I'm taking a bath."

"Well than hurry up, I want to use the shower!"

After staying a few more minutes behind the closed door, Saya quickly tried to slip out unseen but Mao caught her in the hallway and commented: "Your hair is bone-dry. Didn't you wash it?"

Saya shook her head and hurried on to her room to avoid further explanations. Once there she quickly changed into her pyjamas and crawled underneath into her bed. When Hagi knocked on her door later she gave no answer. When he quietly entered and took a seat next to her to guard her like every night she pretended to be asleep.

With her mind in turmoil she lay awake for a long time. The fact that Hagi was sitting right next to her was not help. She heard her own heart racing while she turned and tossed herself around restlessly. She tried to turn her back to him most of the time and buried her face in the sheets. This was not about the memory anymore. She had thought about asking Julia to check on her physical conditions to find out the truth, but she didn't really care that much about it. What bothered her know was the realization, that maybe there was more to their relationship than just friendship.

The idea had come up before, when he had saved her from Solomon. She had ignored it then but now the thought obsessed her. She could not help but admit that he was an attractive man and that she felt secure around him – not only because he was protecting her in battle. She knew he sometimes held her hand to ease her nightmares. At times she even pretended to still be sleeping in the morning so he would not let go - so she could feel the warm and loving touch of his fingers upon hers a while longer.

Lying there in silence she recalled a sentence whispered by Hagi's voice: "I love you." She pulled the blanked all the way over her head. She did not dare to admit her own feelings, not even to herself. In her current situation there was no place for such emotions. They were no more than a nuisance in this war and therefore had to be ignored. If only Hagi would not be such kind and caring to her, that would make it easier.

 _I must fight a war. I must kill Diva. I must eliminate all chiropterans._ She repeated those sentences in silence over and over again to focus her mind.

 _Fight. Kill. Eliminate._


	5. What If - I

About 2037

Saya had fallen asleep in his arms that night. He was blissful to hold her after those long years of her last hibernation, and after even longer years of war.

"Please stay," she had told him, "at least until I've fallen asleep." Anyway he would stay till morning at her side – where he belonged.

"I love you," she had told him, "I always have, I only never realized." He remembered the exact way she had said that, the pronunciation, the tenderness in her voice and how she had slightly blushed.

 _"_ _What if?"_ he wondered as he thought about her words. _What if he had stayed that night?_

There would not have been the possibility of ignoring the incident. If she had awoken wrapped in his arms that morning she might have realized her feelings sooner.

He quickly haunted that thought out of his head. He had done the right thing. An affair would have only gotten them into trouble. That was, what he tried to convince himself of. That was what had eased his regret for many years – until learning the truth about Joel's plans, the real reason, why he had been brought to the Zoo.

He had feared being chased away and separated from Saya. And he had feared harming her. Marrying Joel Goldschmied's daughter had been out of question with a lack of income, possession and status. So all they ever could have had where finite moments of secrecy.

If only he had known. If only Joel had ever hinted that to them the rules of society did not apply. Then again the view of a scientist who would put a male and female mouse in a cage and let nature have its way would naturally overlook moral, affection and other aspects of the complexity of the human (or human alike) mating process.

* * *

Saya had never allowed herself to think of what might have been if she had not made that one mistake: the worst of all regrets that had not only turned her own life into a mess, but had sacrificed so many others. However her dreams did not obey this rule and made up answers:

1833 (Joel's 72nd birthday)

She was sitting next to his bed, glancing at his pale figure. She had done her best to remove the blood and dirt from his face, and then used the cloth to clean her own hands. She did not bother to change. There were more important things to worry about than the stains on her dress. She did not even think about Diva and that broken promise. She had somehow gotten a bad feeling about setting that girl free and therefore had told her, that Joel had caught her stealing the key. It would be hard work to regain Diva's trust, but deep down Saya knew, she had done the right thing.

"He might not be able to walk again," the doctor had said, "A fall from that height has probably injured the spine. At worst he might not even be able to move his arms."

 _At worst he will never wake up,_ she corrected him in her head. She wanted to belief the doctor's words naively. The thought of losing her best friend was unbearable. But she feared that the doctor was of the opinion that death was a more merciful fate than dependency on care for the rest of one's life – especially when it was the fate of a mere servant.

She had neither told Joel nor the doctor about what she had done. Hagi's reaction to her blood had terrified her. _What if her efforts to save him had done more harm than good? What if he died and it was all her fault? No: it was her fault anyway. She had wanted to get that darn flower. She had not stopped him from climbing those cliffs. She had even encouraged him to get the one further away. She was to blame for what had happened to him, regardless of what her blood might cause._

The only glimpse of hope was that his wounds were much smaller than the pool of blood had indicated. Furthermore fewer bones where broken than expected of a fall from that altitude.

Night had fallen when he first opened his eyes. Saya had refused to leave his side. She had dozed off, her head resting against the wall. She was shivering and tears had dried upon her cheeks. He was not quite sure what had happened but it was obvious to him that she was feeling miserable. He sat up und reached out to stroke her head. As soon as she notices his movement she was wide awake and in his arms.

"Hagi!" she cried out in relief, "I was so worried."

They held each other silently for some time until Saya began an outburst of apologies and expression of concern.

"How are you?" she asked anxiously, "Does it hurt?"

He shook his head. "I'm fine. Really." He was surprised himself that he did not feel any pain. Actually he felt better than ever before. "Please don't blame yourself", he added, "It was my own fault."

He suddenly remembered Joel's birthday and noticed that the light of day had faded. "You didn't miss the party, did you?" For a brief moment her expression showed a mixture of protest and surprise then it turned to sorrow.

"I thought you were going to die! I feared for your life and you worry about a party." She burrowed her face in his chest and squeezed him tightly. It was not until then that he realized the gravity of the situation. He embraced her tenderly. More than ever before he felt the urge to comfort her but he did not know what to say.

She felt as if she could never let go of him. Though she needed not to worry anymore she was still numb from earlier fear. Only now that she was relaxing in his arms she realised how troubled she had been. Only now that her breath was calming down she noticed how her heart had been racing all along. Only now that the anxiety was gone she came to understand her own emotions.

Eventually she lifted her head to look at him. Her face was close to his, their lips only centimetres apart. She had almost lost him while he had barely escaped death. This was not a moment to hesitate or overthink so none of them could resist the kiss.


	6. What If - II

-Dream continued-

She awoke in the middle of the night. Her whole body was aching – a 19th century gown and corsage were not suitable clothing for a comfortable sleep. Hagi was gently cradling her. The bed was not convenient for two people so they were closely huddled together. He did not bother to mention, that he had not slept at all. After all he had been resting all day.

Saya crawled out of bed and whispered: "You need to help me out of this dress. It's damn uncomfortable."

"Don't you think it's time to go to bed?" he replied.

"I have been all this time."

"I mean _your_ bed."

Ignoring that comment she ordered: "The dress! I'm waiting!" He realised that arguing would be pointless and obeyed. When the dress was open he was about to back off, but her commanding voice did not allow it. "What about the corsage? How am I supposed to get any sleep when I can't even breathe properly?"

Not that he was opposed to undressing her but only to maintain an appearance of decency he handed her one of his shirts so that she could cover herself. He had sincerely wanted to turn away when she changed but temptation tricked him: In order to find the shirt he had lit a lamp on his nightstand. Additionally no one had shut the curtains that night. Since it was pitch black outside the windowpane that he was facing now reflected every detail. For a brief moment he could observe her bare skin and beautifully shaped breasts.

She had to roll up the sleeves of the shirt and it matched horribly with her bloomers – but that did not matter at this hour of night.

While he stood with his back to her, Saya noticed that his bandage had loosened. "Let me renew it for you", she suggested. Of course she had little to no idea how to treat wounds, never being seriously injured herself. Needless to say, that now she would not have to practise this skill either. Saya gasped in surprise, when she did not find a single scratch underneath the fabric. "It's gone", she murmured. _How did this happen? Was this a result of the transfusion?_

"What is gone?"

"The wound… there is none."

Hagi tried to reach for his back not believing a word. He dared not check his reflection in the window, not wanting to make Saya aware of the mirror image – he did not know, that she had noticed it earlier anyway.

She traced her fingers along his back not sure whether to be worried or thrilled. "Hagi, I might have done something…", she began, not knowing whether he remembered what had happened, "…I only meant to save you. You were at the brink of death and I thought maybe my blood could I have no idea what other effects it might have." He turned around and pulled her into a tight hug. "I guess you did save me, so don't worry about anything else."

They were standing silently in embrace for a while until Saya began to speak again: "You said something the other night…" Hagi did not need any further explanation to understand which night she meant. He was nervous about what might come next, but somewhat relived that Saya chose to no longer ignore the incident. He had played along and pretended nothing had happened but while Saya had appeared to distract her mind and suppress any memories easily, they had burdened him ever since.

Saya lowered hear head as she continued:"… you said you loved me." She did not know why all of a sudden she was so sure that this had ever even happened. Perhaps it was the intimacy of the last few hours that had cleared away the surreality of her memories.

His first reaction was to turn away in embarrassment, but then he changed his mind and faced her instead. "Yes, I did say that. And I still mean it. So…what about it?"

"I wanted you to know, that…I think I love you too."

He leaned down and kissed her, one hand placed at her cheek, the other intertwined with hers. For a brief moment her choice of words had bothered him. 'I think', _what was that supposed to mean? Was she not sure about her own feelings?_ However he was sure about his feelings. And he was sure that holding her like this and kissing her again was more than he had ever dared to hope for.

When Saya started shivering from the cold she crawled back into his bed underneath the blanket. Hagi lay down next to her, embracing her. She tried to fall asleep but soon figured that it was hopeless: Her heart was thumping in excitement as she felt him so close; cradling her tenderly, his breath tickling her neck. He stroked her back and shoulder and now and then placed kisses behind her ear. When he noticed that after some time she was still awake his hands approached her bottom and breast but he did not dare to touch her there. However at some point Saya realized that she wanted him to. She waited yearningly but in vain. Hence she took his hand and gradually moved it to where she wanted it to be. The fabric was thin and he could feel the shape of her body underneath. Both secretly longed to get rid of the clothes immediately but neither dared to make the next move.

After enjoying the fondling for a while Saya eventually turned around to kiss him. Her finger ran slowly over his chest down towards his waistband. Now that Hagi was so close to her, her memories of _that_ night where clearer than ever before. She wanted to feel the excitement again and longed for the sensations she recalled. It surprised herself how fast her hand had found its way into his undergarments. Thus he gave up on any self-restrain and finally began stripping of the little clothing that was still covering her.

Tonight they did not hesitate anymore. Tonight there were neither worries nor doubt. Tonight they spent together as lovers…


	7. What If - III

-Dream continued- (autumn 1883)

It was way before dawn, when Saya noticed that she was alone. Hagi had been with her that night and usually he would stay till the break of day. At first she did not think much of it but the sound of footsteps in the hallway made her curious. She sneaked out of bed and peaked through her bedroom door. She caught Hagi only just before he could turn around the corner.

He froze as he heard her door, his back still turned towards her. He was wearing a coat and carrying a small suitcase.

"Where are you going?" Saya did her best to control her voice and to hide how much it bothered her that he wanted to sneak off in the middle of the night.

"Away." The word was hardly more than a whisper and he had no strength to face her.

Saya refused to belief what she had just herd. Somewhere deep down she understood the meaning off this even so her consciousness denied it.

"What do you mean?"

"Saya, we can't go on like this. I will only cause you trouble."

There was no way of misinterpreting his intentions anymore.

"No! Don't leave me!" she exclaimed, stumbling towards him.

"Forgive me. This is the best for both of us." His voice and gesture appeared calm and cold but the fact, that he could not face her revealed her that this was no more than a facade. Saya wrapped her arms around him trying to hold back tears. She could not see that he was sharing the same struggle.

"We won't find happiness with all this secrecy," he went on, "it would surely come to a bad end."

"I don't care", she whispered, "I don't care how it ends because I won't find happiness when you're gone either."

It was the desperation that made him suggest: "Come with me!" He regretted it the very moment he spoke. How could he ask that of her? Of Saya, who had barely ever left the zoo, to leave her home, father and everything she had ever known. Of a women who grew up in a manor full of servants, who had never cooked, cleaned or even made her own bed, to live in poverty.

Before he could take back his words, he already received a response.

For a brief moment the prospect of finally leaving the zoo and traveling the world had enthralled her. Nonetheless her decision was clear: "I can't", she said, "I can't leave Joel." '… _and Diva'_ , she added in her thoughts. Leaving her imprisoned friend behind all alone in that tower was the one thing Saya could not do. She collapsed in his arms not being able to hold back her tear any longer. _If only she could explain this to him._

"I somehow believed you would always be with me", she whispered, "I mean, of course I knew that we would have to part one day but I did not expect it to be so soon." She had not yet given up, "I thought you would at least try to stay with me as long as possible."

He did not answer but cradled her with his free arm. After a while that felt like an eternity to Saya, she heard a loud thump, as Hagi dropped the suitcase. Her heart jumped in victory when he wiped away her tears. He did not need a word to signalise her that he meant to stay. He stroked her head, and gave her a peck on the forehead. Then he began running his hands over her body kissing her passionately with all the love and devotion he could no longer restrain.

All busy with each other neither of them noticed the approaching footsteps or the candlelight before they were right in front of them. They startled and turned around, staring right into Joel's eyes that were staring right back. Saya stepped forward as if to shield Hagi from whatever tirade might follow.

"You do know we have rooms", Joel said calmly, "…with doors…that can be locked…I mean you never know who might come across these corridors and the maids certainly like to gossip."

With those words he walked passed them, holding back a triumphant smile until they no longer could see his face.


End file.
